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A Transgender Story Chapter 1
By Ms Chor Lor | March 3, 2009 | 974 views
My Background
I came from a very poor family background. Most of you out there is probably living in at least a 3 room flat and above. But all my life, which I can’t remember since when, I’ve been living in a one room flat. A one room flat is actually a whole flat with no rooms. Once you enter, you will see a whole unit, which is the living room cum hall cum bedroom all in one and then a kitchen and bathroom. And most of you either own the flat yourself or it’s probably your parents property or just some of your family’s property. But myself, we’ve been living on this rented property all of our life. Ya, we really just can’t afford to buy a flat. But I’m saving up though, to get my own flat soon. And I’ve come a long way……………………..
My Mum
It is true that the greatest love of all in the world is a mother’s love. My mother’s love to me and my bro, my mother’s love to my dad. My mum was not educated. So she never get to hold a good decent job. All her life, she had been working as hawker assistant. From chicken rice to laksa, to wanton mee. She works as a cleaner for a period as well. She never had a stable or monthly income. All her income are daily base on mostly $30 years back and probably $50 at present, I didn’t ask. Just imagine, with that kind of income, she had come a long way bringing up me and my bro and supporting this family. Especially when we were young, she supported us through school, though we both never completed our school education. And on top of all that, to support a drug addict husband as well. She had been hard times. But luckily, my relatives, which are also her sisters and brothers, used to help us out last time. If not we really won’t have come this far.
I used to hate my mum when I was younger, before I became a transgender. I hated her for being so strict on me, restricting my freedom, this and that. And I hated her for always doting on my bro more than me. Cause whenever we quarrel, she will always only scold me and not him. That I as the eldest should give in to him blah blah. But I guess when one grows older and matures, you start to be more understanding and forgiving and I no longer hated her.
Instead, I really admired her love, courage and tolerance with this family. With me and my bro, always quarrelling like hell, like arch enemies. With a husband that has been a drug addict before they got married, and still was till the day he died. Yet never forsaking him, never giving up this marriage, holding on to it. Most other wives would probably have left their husbands long ago if they were such hard core drug addicts. And because my dad never really supports the family, she has all the burden on her all these years.
My Dad
I had hated my dad since young and I hated him till the day he died. He passed away 2 years ago. This part which I will covered in a later chapter.
He was a drug addict since my parents got married. Even till the day he died at the age of 59? I think………haha I don’t even know his age………..he still died as a drug addict.
He just never kick away his habits. And like many drug addicts, they always say they will change but never. He had spent most of his life in drug rehabilitation centres than at home. Each time he went in, it’s either a 2 years or 3 years or 5 years. And once he’s out, he never fails to report in soon again.
Which was why I hated him. For being like that, he never supports the family. Living mum to suffer hardship all by herself. She will always cry when he never changes. Always worrying about when he will get caught again when he’s out.
I hated him for never giving me a father. When everyone else had father they can look upon, when everyone else had a father who will bring them out for family outings on weekends, for holidays, a father who works and brings money home, a father who gave them a home, a roof, all these he never did. I always felt ashamed to talk about him to my friends. So all those times, only my very close friends knows about my whole background.
Everytime he’s out, he usually tends to “behave” and seem to have “changed” for a period. But it never took long before he’s back to his old self again. He will always get money from mum to feed his drugs. And of course my mum certainly will give him. They would always quarrel or fight. It’s either when my mum is so broke and so angry with him that he won’t change they quarrel, or when my dad can’t get any money thus no drugs and vent his anger around. And with all this, it made me hated him as well, never was there peace at home when he’s around.
And when he’s at home, life is always just like prison. We got to watch TV at such a low volume, we got to switch off all lights by 9pm, we can’t open the doors unnecessarily. All because he was scared that the CNB will come anytime and catch him. I felt like a caged bird with no freedom. Again I hated him.
Had he been more sensible and responsible, our family could probably have been better. We’d probably be living in our bought flat. I’d probably won’t have to start working since so young to help support the family. Why did I ever had such a father.
There was once I quarrelled with him so seriously, I called the police and told them my dad was a drug addict and ask them to come arrest him. But don’t know why, they probably thought it was a prank call, they never came. And my dad scolded me for being unfilial, which I shouted back at him that I never had a father, not a father like him, he never even supported us at all. And you know what? End of day, my mum still was on his side and scolded me upside down for treating him like that. Which again deepen my hatred for him.
In some later chapters, I will be covering on his last days before he died, how I almost ended my life as well and why I hated him till death……….
My Brother
My brother is yet another insensible fellow. He could have pity my mum for all her hardship, help to relief the family burden, helping out whatever he could, but instead he is one big spendthrift and one big lazybum.
Give him however much you can, he can spend it all up if not within one day, certainly not more than a week. He can’t get a good job as well cause he also drop school at primary level without any qualification. So all these years, he’s been a delivery driver. And simply he had stayed to the job for so long, just because he gets to drive the lorry home, which he can conveniently go out anytime he wants.
He never saves. He just spends almost as much as he can. Each week, he can eat a meal of Macdonalds that costs $13+ for 4 days, which amounts to about $200 over just on Macdonalds each month. And with cigarette that amounts to about $400 over each month. Which left him probably to about $400 or so each month. On top of that, he bets on soccer every weekend. Don’t you think he’s fucking rich? Once he even owes to a debt of $5 k over due to soccer bets. And yet heaven was so kind to him, let him won the Macdelivery lucky draw of $10k which he paid for his debts left with the rest also spent up very soon.
He just don’t know how to be sensible and just start saving for a rainy day. And he can switch on whatever electrical power and yet not using it, wasting the electricity and adding on to the bills and of course paid by my mum. For example, he can be playing games on his laptop, with the TV on, nobody watching, with the fan on, with the lights on when it’s only 3pm in the afternoon. He takes everything for granted cause he never had to worry about where his next dollar is going to come from, cause everytime he asks from mum, he gets it. He is over 30 years old and yet look at how useless he is. Some of you out there is probably much better than him.
And all he knows is everyday reach home, switch on his laptop and play online games till the wee hours. And it is not sleep straight away. He will still watch the TV till 1 or 2 am before finally going to sleep. I just hate the inventors of online games. Never fails, that was his routine every single day for the past 2 years since the day I got broadband. Best for him was weekends, when he could play from 11am all the way to 11pm and of course with his Macdonalds meals.
He is so lazy and useless, he never did a single housework at all. he never wash a single piece of his own clothes, he never washes his dishes after eating, no to mention not even washing just a cup. Worse still, he can finish instant cup noodles and left it there, not throwing into the dustbin, waiting for my mum to clear for him.
He is just like a king, with my mum waiting on him every single moment, doing every chores for him like a maid.
Which was why from young, we always quarrel. We were really like arch enemies. Even if you throw him into one of those third world to suffer, he may not even wake up and be sensible but still expect things to fall from heaven for him. He never had to put in any effort to get what he wants. Even my auntie bought him a $1900 Acer laptop just because he fights with me over my computer. And I myself work hard, paid and buy myself every single stuff, while his drops from heaven.
And everytime we quarrel, he always win. Cause my mum will be scolding me and not him.
And like what my Mi presume, it’s because he is the only “son” left. Her only hope left. I am no longer a son. I had lost my status and all hopes are on him now.
And my mum still daydreams of him getting married one day, when I will always think in my heart, someone like him who does not even have savings, not to mention buying a flat with his wife which costs hundreds of thousand, and with cash downpayments of thousands, where on earth will he even get the money to marry, the banquet and everything which probably costs a few k. Unless life is good to him again, he find a rich wife who pays for everything and he never had to dig out a single cent.
And I’m always worried he will be a burden to the whole family. Just imagine facing the computer as much as him, what if he becomes blind one day, can’t work and yet someone has to look after him, who? My mum? Not me! And who’s going to pay all the bills and stuffs? Me again?!
Which is why I’m saving hard myself to get out of this house. To put it bluntly, one day when my mum is gone, he will be left on his own. I will have nothing to do with him anymore, living on my own, starting my own new life. But not to worry, he will survive for a while with all the paid out insurances from my mum which probably could be few k. And he probably will still get the help from my auntie?
But lately, we rarely quarrel much anymore. Partly because when he’s at home, I always try to go out to see less of him. And he also now taken up part time job at night working on Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat. So lesser of him at home, less friction and less quarrel.
I don’t know if he had become more sensible, by earning more money to save up? or by earning more money to have more money to spend……..
He still eats Macdonalds 4 times a week, recently got a new Samsung handphone, the kind similar to iphone pattern. He does give my mum allowance. So I’m not sure if he has got any savings seriously……….. just don’t ever touch my money!
In the next chapter………………..my school life
Topics: A Transgender Story | 6 Comments »
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
My Girlfriend is a chinese rooted Transgender too and the Story with the “useless” brother and the fightings with Mom is similar for her, but her Brother is the father of three kids allready, that he cant take care of.
I allways hope she will find peace with him one day, that will be better for her.
Thank you for the very honest writing!
Ben
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
You are a great fighter, fight for yourself. I hope you will find peace in future. You will get your own flat, I know.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Forgot to tell you that I grew up in a Pre-war house in Chinatown. There were 4 families,each occupying one small room. There were 7 of us and my parents. My parents earned about $2.50 a day, which is about $300 a month in present(2009) value. I had to go round to my relatives to borrow money at the end of every month. So don’t give up hope on the future.
March 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Thanks for sharing. It is a priviledge to be male. I would have preferred to be one myself, but God had other ideas.
The male siblings don’t seem to understand the priviledge they have been given.
I detached myself from such male-bias family nonsense a long time ago, because like you, I am not the surname bearer and hence, no status in a Chinese family.
Here’s to working hard & building our own futures.
xoxo
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
i started reading your blog not so long ago. your background story is the only article which i felt a lot of unhappiness in it. hope things will eventually get better for you. stay positive
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Thanks for all the encouragement! Ya, these are mostly my past, I guess I’m feeling more at peace now at present day. But had come a long way and there’s more stories of my past to come.Do continue supporting me and tune back to read more of Ms Chor Lor’s Journey…….