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Am I happy ?
By Ms Chor Lor | February 9, 2010 | 666 views
No I’m not………
I finally felt the heavy workload on myself today. Before I can even finish one tender to sent out, another revision from a previous one will come in. On hand right now, I already got 10 projects on hand to settle. Just another 3 revision alone came in yesterday. One today.
I really feel like quitting. I start to regret my change in life………….
Maybe it is never a good idea to have goals and dreams after all……………..just like my bro, though he may seem useless, he don’t seem to have much goals and dreams, but he never seem to worry, he never seem unhappy. His only worry is probably just being broke. No stress from work. Being a valet, no leftover work undone for next day. It’s always a day by day basis. That’s why he can afford to go online everyday.
3 years ago, when I was still working despatch, though no goals, no dreams, even no savings, but life was never unhappy. There is no worries and no stress from work. No undone work for the day, you work how much you want, you can handle per day. Once I don’t want to send any more documents, I call it a day.
But ever since coming here to work, I thought I was happy. I thought life was better. Guess I was wrong. More stress, more worries. Worrying about meeting datelines. Doing all the job myself, no one helping me. Before one is done, another come in. Even though I have lots of money in my savings now, I’m not happy. I guess money really can’t make one happy after all………
Or probably I can do something unbelievable, quit my job and go for backpacking all around. Guess that could last me a few months to spend up all my savings. But what happens next…………….
Come to think of it, all my previous jobs were never stress because all is day to day basis, no works undone left for the next day. Sales, F&B……..This is my first job with works undone, bring forward and forward and forward………..I guess I can’t take stress.
I felt I’m sinking. I want to quit. But I fear. Being what I am, where else can I go? Who else will take me? Then, I hated myself for being a transgender. My life being so miserable just because I am a transgender. I hated myself. I hated life.If I had been normal, life would have been smoother. Being a girl or a guy, why I lose a job is just because of inexperience, no qualifications, no luck. But being a transgender, we lose the job with an extra factor of “unaccepted gender”.
Pathetic? No I’m still not considered the most pathetic around. At least I still have a job.
One of my sista, who is almost 50 now, being jobless and being trans, I really wonder who is going to take her in. At such a age and being trans, no matter how capable you are, you still can’t shine anymore. She used to hold very good jobs with very high pay in the IT line. But look at her now, I dread to see myself like that. Somemore she is married with 2 young daughters still studying, one whole family to support. I guess she is much stronger than me. But she also did save up through the years. But what’s next?
That is life. No job not happy. Got job also not happy. Maybe animals are still the best and most carefree. Eat, sleep, shit. Life ends quick being eaten by predator, or being killed and serve on table. Don’t need to work for money.
Oh God, please don’t let me live too long. Anytime between 40 and 50, take me away, that will be great.
Should I go back to my despatch life? What do I want……………I seriously don’t know anymore.
One with no stress and no goal, but more happier with life. One with more stress and goals in life, but is not happy with life.
Do we go for goals, or do we go for happiness. What use is there, even if you got the whole world, but you are just not happy…………..
I felt like I have walk to a dead end of the road now. I don’t see what is ahead of me anymore……………
No more eagerness to my Indonesia trip, no more eagerness to my Phuket trip, no more eagerness to my buying flat. So nothing to look forward anymore……………
To be frank, I though of giving up this blog too……………..
Give me time to find myself again……………………….hopefully mschorlor.com will still be around…………….
Lucky I still have here to vent out my frust. Hopefully I feel better now……………
Topics: Random Thoughts | 5 Comments »
February 9th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Hi Gal,
Hang in there..i guess its one of those days and before u know it, it will be over:) Hugs:)
February 10th, 2010 at 2:09 am
Life is always like that, I think thats where we learn more.. Sometimes, I cant stand the stress, I feel like I want to give up everything. But after everything pass, then only I understand that its not that bad after all. So cheers…^^ Tomorrow will be better..
February 10th, 2010 at 11:40 am
It’s true that transgender often got discriminated in most cases…Sorry to hear about your pain and difficulties.. Of coz a higher paid job would be much more difficult but doesn’t low pay jobs will have it easy too..Why not start your own business with friends? It’s true that you will experience slightly more stress but at least you do not need to depend much on other people? Setting up business with friends can be very very fun too..XD good luck to you
February 11th, 2010 at 1:28 am
Stressful work is part and parcel of Singaporean life. We all want to live better, don’t we? There is no escaping from it. Even if change to a new job, it may be the same. There are 1001 reasons why people quit the job and go to the next. If unhappy for a long time, can always look for a new job while on the current job. Don’t worry, be happy, k!
Your blog is a good read. Please don’t remove it. We are learning valuable exp from you. Not forget the entertaining articles you collect all over the world. I like them alot!
February 16th, 2010 at 12:57 am
So sorry that I didn’t come for quite awhile,have been busy with my blog contest and my com’s giving me problems. Don’t lose hope,cheer up. There’s a saying that to see rainbow,you must first embrace the rain.