I’m tired. No courage to die, no courage to live either.

Today, my world came crashing down.

I feel so tired. I can’t find the courage to quit my job. Cause only quitting it, then can I leave the man who hurt me again and again. I can’t see where I am if I quit. I can go back to Changi, but I don’t think I want that. I realise I had no courage to live on. I can’t face reality. I can’t handle reality. I wish to die. I can’t find the courage to die.

I took up smoking at 12. Hoping I will die one day. I rode a bike. Hoping I will die in an accident one day.  When I was young, I would cut myself with sharp objects. But I never have the courage to cut deep enough for it to bleed non-stop. I will tie a plastic bag over my head to suffocate myself. But I never lasted more than 5 minutes. Why hasn’t my wish come true yet. i wish I can just sleep and never wake up again.

Good people always die young. Good people are dying eveyday. Bad people always live long. I’m a bad person. But I don’t want to live long. For 35 years, I tired to be strong. I tired to live on. But it was tough. It was difficult. It had been a tough road. I just wish I could rest. Rest forever.

I feel I’m a disposable plastic. I feel I’m expandable. Being dumped and hurt when I’m no longer useful. I feel like I am a living zombie. I feel I’m a coward.

A tough life having my dad around. After he’s gone, a tough life with my bro around. When can I ever rest.

I really feel like quitting on the spot. I can jolly well pay back one month’s salary for not giving notice. But do I have the courage? Did I not want to quit the job, or did I not want to leave him? I’m not sure.

For twice, he lied right at my face. Never a moment twitch an eyelid. A good liar indeed. If I never dig, if I never search, forever the truth is buried.

Is it better when you don’t know? Does the truth always hurt? Yes it does.

Being a prostitute before, maybe you will come to accept it’s hard to trust a man. Where married men and attached Bf can come looking for you, how can you ever know when they are telling the truth.

When he can be so stubborn telling you, insisting that he is not lying and hiding anything. It hurts most is not when you find out the truth. It’s when you realise how well he had lied to you. It’s the hurt of how he had manipulated your trust in him and made you a fool.

I thought I had been happy. I was wrong. I thought my life had turned for the better. I was wrong. So many things had bottled up. I can’t find a place to shout it out. It was miserable.

All these years, it was not the courage to live on that I seek everyday. It was the courage to die I seek everyday. To seek death, I really have to die. if I don’t die, I’m in trouble with the law. So all I can do, is to wait. Wait and suffer at the same time, to see when death will seek me.

The difficult part is not not to trust. The difficult part is to convince yourself to trust again. When you are hurt once, it really is hard to trust again. Not to mention when you are hurt again and again. And it really is a miracle, the tears have not dried up yet.

Someone ever said. Men lied to cover up for their wrong doings. Women lied to make the men feel better.

What should I do? Where’s my courage? Where do I go from here?

Maybe it’s time I find my courage. The courage to leave the job, to leave the man, to leave all these unhappiness.

I had only wanted to talk about this below next time in my transgender story. But I guess this is the right moment.

Last Saturday, I went down to Changi to seek old friends and chatted with them. Being at the wrong place, wrong time, it happens two groups of sistas decide to quarell it out. After many years of unhappiness with each other. End of the day, they never fight and ended up well. But there I was, being at the wrong place at the wrong time, I got beaten up for nothing.

One of the old sista thought I was there to interfere. I was actually already standing far away, not wanting to get involved in anything. Yet I am still dragged into it. She chased after me, asking me to fuck off. Kept shouting I want to interfere isit. She took her heels and beat me up three times, on my body, my hand, my face. She pulled my hair. It was not physical pain. It was emotional pain.

I didn’t cry. I just asked, why am I always a victim.

I don’t even have the courage to defend myself. I don’t even have the courage to fight back. If only that had been some gangsters, chasing at me with knives. That would have been better.

I don’t wish to live old. Cause I am scared of loneliness. I don’t wish to live old. Cause I don’t want to be sick and old. Please let me die young. I really have had enough.

I don’t need pity. I don’t need encouragement. I just need courage.

15 Comments Showing 20 most recent
  1. Ms Chor Lor Post author

    you still got a long way to go young boy

  2. Yoon

    Hey madam, you still alive? I dunno what’s wrong with you, but aint you blessed with good looks that you can find a boyfriend. Aint you blessed with a job that you can make a living, at least. I’m not like that, I’m almost 20 years old, I’m failing in my uni and on verge of being dropped out. I…wanna be independent, I wanna get a job, and I want to be pretty. That’s all I want. Life is tiring for me, I dont wanna live but I don’t have to courage to kill myself either. Thinking that my parents have poured their money and time investing into me, I think I should give something back to them. And also thinking about my corpse. I definitely dont wanna see my own corpse in a bad condition. If I wanna die I’ll surely do it in a place so my corpse wouldnt be found, so I can die peacefully. haha. I know it sounds so lonely. what should I do? I don’t know that too…

  3. C J

    HATE EVERY ANSWER HERE. I AM THE SAME, but for me it’s been 60 years.I wish to die. I can’t find the courage to die.

  4. Silosi

    Your life will never change. It only gets harder as you get older. Have courage, DIE! Die a peaceful death. May you rest in peace.

  5. Stefani

    I understand your feeling and share the same with you. You may think that I am successful and happy, but deep down, I am also not happy. Despite all these unhappiness, I still don’t want to die. Life still has to go on. So don’t give up. Count me as your friend. I really feel happy when I see you.

  6. Desmond

    Dear Sweetie, I’m a frequent reader of your blog and can relate to a large extend of your entry. Being a PLU I do understand it’s so easy to give up and get into depression. After all it’s so complicated and not an easy journey. Lately I’m questioning the purpose of life. I’m working in a job I have no passion for just cos of the money when all I really want to do is be a hairstylist. I though of staving myself to death at least I could look sexy but I love food too much. I can’t advice u how to press on but having good friends and people who care about you help. You have no idea how many times I got “saved”. Xoxo your faithful fan- http://www.themozzarellalifestory@blogspot.com

  7. Niel

    Congrats Ms Chor lor.. after u pass tis phase, u’re a stronger and more courageous person. You have learn another lesson. Erm… i’m not joking. Be positive!

  8. Hong Wei

    Take care there!
    Its like a phase in life, it will pass. Be strong!

  9. mui fong

    Dear, I can’t give you the courage to live on, but from reading your blog, you have been very strong and courageous to have come this far.Recently my 49-yr-old able-bodied brother committed suicide leaving behind wife, teenage daughter and son. Yes he has left but he has left behind a lot of sadness, anger and regret for all of us. I don’t know how I can encourage you, the same way I didn’t know how to encourage my own brother. He found no reason to carry on. I hope you can. I hope you look at this http://sdhammika.blogspot.com/2008/10/life-dont-take-it-lightly.html
    Hopefully it will help you go through this. Take care.

  10. Xavier

    Hey sista,

    what eva it is take life as it is and make merry with every situation ur in. No more no less seek the balance you need.

  11. Vasantha

    Dear, Dont lose your way. Live your life as it is. Whatever happens, life has to go on. If you want, gimme ur heels, I will beat her 5 times on behalf of you. Be courage, somebody will be there for you always.

    “But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened.” (1 Peter 3:14)
    Take Courage – Ask for it! Take it!

    Love you. Cheers.

  12. Ying Zi

    Well,you don’t want pity nor courage. So I guess I should just leave a quote here: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

    Remember,I’ll always be around,you could drop me a message anytime -big hugs-

  13. Anonymous

    hey love ive been a new fan of your blog. sometimes shit happens but you gotta stay strong! you have ppl like your blog readers and friends who love you. if you just die, you will never know if you will one day be truly happy. pls keep on believing and stay strong! never, never give up okay!

  14. JL

    this too, shall pass.

    i have been through hell in my past, and looking back, i dont know how i could have ever survived it. all i can say is, have hope. hope for the future.

    i wish you the best, and take care.

  15. Meiling

    I think it is a phase in life, everyone must go through. It is painful but those are the truth in life. Don’t get too disappointed or give up hope. There will always be something that you can work for. You have been unhappy all your life but now it is time for you to have the courage to work for yourself. See your usefulness and not the bad points. Hey, you do make us happy when you are around. I am now living in a ‘neutral’ zone if you know what that is. I already care less of what is outside my zone. Just don’t give up. There will always be a time when you really enjoy the moment again.

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