You know, I always just feel I have mild depression. I’m sure I do. I said mild, because till date, I have not did any serious stupid thing yet, even though for many times, I had thoughts about it, but I never had the courage to do so. Rather, sometimes, I really wish I had the courage to.

And it’s a sad thing to have this at this period of the year, when you have Christmas, followed by New Year then Chinese New Year, all suppose to be joyous period. But then it’s also logical that it is during this period when everyone else is happy and blissful, it reminds yourself of the loneliness, the emptiness and the sadness, that depression comes to you.

I have a few friends who had severe depression than me. They themselves had countless attempts of suicide. Some were gone, some still hanging around.

Depression definitely comes from where and how you grow up in. Things you been through. Hurts you bear through. When it keeps you going, people say you are strong. When it makes you fall, people say you are stupid, you are foolish.

I have always envied people with a complete happy family. Where you can confide all your troubles in your world to your brother, your sister, your mum or your dad. I know of sistas who can happily talked about their night at Changi to their mum when they reach home. How much they earned for the night, what customers they met tonight etc etc. That is quite a sweet thing for me.

From young, I can never confide in my mum. Nobody. There’s never anyone for me to confide everything in my mind. I can just always hide in some corner and cry myself out. I have to keep everything to myself, blaming it on myself or taking it out on myself, bearing everything myself.

When I blame myself, I would blame myself for being a transgender, I would blame my fate, that being a transgender, I already lose out to many wonderful things in this world and the ugly fact that I can never have many things in this world no matter how hard I try. And when I take it out on myself, I would vent my anger on myself or objects. I would beat myself against the wall, cut myself with stuffs, or bang the door, or bang stuffs and throw stuffs, It’s really miserable when you have so much inside you, and you just can’t let it out anywhere.

Even if there was, they are hardly there to listen to you through and out. Just like the day when I wanted to jump into the sea, crying and crying for 3 hours. My girl friend was there, supposingly to console me and listen to me, but there she was busy talking on the phone with her friend about parties, guys, mahjong……..but I was not angry with her. I find it hilarious. It always make me laugh when I think back about it. It was lucky enough she was there that I did not jumped in. If I had, she probably can’t have forgive herself for talking on the phone.

Sometimes though, I just think my mum is the stronger one than me. And probably I got part of the genes from her, but I don’t think I’m as strong as her though. She bear the pain of having a drug addict useless husband, a useless son who likes to spend money and never save and  useless son who decides to become a woman. All of us broke her heart, but still she is standing strong……………sometimes, I really wish I could do more for her. If there is a next life, I really wish I can make it up to her…………….

It’s hard to say whether mild depression will develop into severe depression. I’m not sure if one day I will just end up like my friends. After all, many of them only had the severe breakdowns only in their 40s or 50s, which I haven’t come to that path yet……………

But at least I know, one day if I’m really gone, I have left my story behind. Not many people did. Many were just gone, with nobody knowing their story. Nobody telling their story. At least I’m glad I have left my story behind…………

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