For the whole of my life, I have met and knew many men. From online internet websites to mIRC, to those days in changi, I guessed the numbers of guys that I knew and met is by the hundreds.

And among all these men, more than 90% always wants to know me, get near me only for one reason, sexual desires.

To most guy’s mindset, transgenders are for sexual satisfaction only. One that you can have sex without any worries of getting them pregnant. Someone you can just play and dump, without having to give any love or commitment or responsibility. Someone that will never be in their mind, to marry with and have children, simply because we can’t have children, and no one in their family can accept us anyway.

So to them, we are a sex object, a public toilet, a passing boat, whatever names you can think of.

Sometimes, I really felt myself pathetic. All we want, is just to be any other ordinary woman out there, finding someone to love us, and spent the rest of our lives with. Yet men get near us for the wrong reasons.

Yet we also can’t possibly turn back and decide to be a man again, just because of the fate we are suffering. We still carry on life. The wiser and stronger ones, have learnt to got loose from the clutches and manipulation of men and their lies. The weaker and desperate ones like myself, will just forever be entangled in an ocean of fantasy and dreams and hopes.

Even when we do met a man who treats us nice, there is always still a part of us deep inside, always asking and doubting, is he true, why is he good to me, what is his real motive, why does he like me etc etc. No one can ever imagine or understand how it feels, to be forever living in doubts and waries and fears.

You never know when they are telling the truth or when they are telling a lie. Every single thing they said, in our heart we are just asking silently, is that a truth or a lie.

Men like to lie, while woman are foolish to be lied to. Yet no one can imagine the kind of misery living in a world full of doubts and lies. The misery of having to doubt every single word that he said.

Posting this because a guy called me earlier. Got to know him from online some time back. The first time I met him, he obviously already showed that he wants to know me for sexual desires. After that, I decided I will not see him anymore.

Alas, he called me again today. Was so sweetly saying Happy New Year to me, how am I, do I want to meet him for dinner somewhere this week  blah blah….

Yet me on the other side of the line, the only question in my mind was, what’s on his mind. Is he hoping to meet me up again, hoping to get some sexual satisfaction out from me? And I’m quite sure that he’s not really just interested in simply having a dinner with me. There’s bound to be something on his agenda.

Even though a part of me had really wished that he is really treating me as a friend and asking me out for dinner, yet I know that will just be my own wishful thinking.

However the good news is, even though most of these guys gets near me for the wrong reasons, well, I don’t know what ratio to give of, maybe every 50 guys that I know, there’s one who does not give any signs of wanting any sexual desires from me, yet we can hold a normal conversation like any other friends, still keeping that way, and is still that status, after a long period of chatting on msn or whatsapp.

I have a few of such guys who are still in contact, and I’m glad to have known them and especially one chap who is so nice to always chat with me and believe me, there’s nothing on his agenda. I just know it. Don’t ask how or why.